How much do Toddlers really understand?

Below is an exchange between me and a Mom of a Toddler from my Private Facebook Group: How to get your Toddler to Listen

Mom’s Question: Hi! I have a 9 month old little boy. Right now I feel really confused as to what he understands and he doesn’t! When I say, stop throwing your food on the floor or stop trying to crawl off the changing table during a diaper change, or please please please nap in your crib, does he understand or am I wasting my breath? How do I show my boss baby that mommy is the real boss!?

My Answer: Excellent questions! I am going to break them down and answer them one by one:

“Right now I feel really confused as to what he understands and he doesn’t!”

Babies and Toddlers learn and understand through how we interact with them. They recognize how they feel based on how we feel when we care for them. More than the words we use, it’s in the way in which we are with them and the way we speak to them that accelerates learning and their ability to understand. They are listening to how what we say makes them feel more than what we are saying means.

Calm, clear direction and unconditional acceptance will accelerate understanding and willingness to listen and cooperate. To answer your question, “Does he understand?” Sort of, he will learn what is and is not available based on how clear and consistent you are in your boundary setting and his ability to take in the information with be determined based on how pleasant or un pleasant the experience is, when interacting with you.

For Example: Saying “Stop throwing your food on the floor” to a baby/toddler doesn’t inspire them to stop. Instead it communicates you are upset with them and nothing is more frightening to a baby/toddler then when a parent is angry. They rely on us for survival so they interpret our upset as a possibility we aren’t capable of caring for them. In fact, the idea of displaying upset as a way to get a toddler to do what you want them to do so that you will be happy with them, is an extremely advanced and mature form of understanding. It will never, ever work.

Clear, direct instruction and calm communication inspires listening because babies feel safe when parents are calm. When we get angry or frustrated the listening and learning stops because they become frightened. He is too young to be able to control himself. It’s our job to teach impulse control through consistent, loving guidance and firm boundaries.

When they are throwing food on the floor they are doing one thing: Learning. Throwing food on the floor is a form of learning physical sensations. Another form of learning during this time is: Reactive: “What will my Mom do when I throw this food on the floor? Will she stop me? Is it okay to throw food on the floor? What is the expectation? What will happen?”

The most affective way to get a toddler to eat food rather than throw it is to create very clear and very consistent boundaries around meal time.

“ Ah, I see you are throwing your food. I am not offering this food for throwing, this food is available for eating. I’ll know that you are hungry because you will be eating the food. I see you are throwing the food, Are you telling me you are all done?” (then use the sign language motion of all done with your hands since he is pre verbal.)

2 possible outcomes will occur:

One: He will continue to throw the food which you can confidently take as a sign he is telling you “I am all done.” When this happens, thank him! ‘Thank you for telling me so clearly you are all done.” Then remove the food, remove him from his chair and on to the next activity. If he begins to protest because you are taking the food away STEADY THE COURSE and remove the food anyway and say “I hear you, you seem upset because I am removing the food. Next time I’ll know you want the food to stay because you will be eating it. This food it for eating. Not for play.” This is the absolute most crucial part of this exchange because there are concrete messages being learned and how you handle this will play a big role in how he treats food at the next meal and during future meal times.

When you create this firm boundary around throwing food he will know what the expectation is and how to meet it. This will help him relax and trust you.

When you give the food back, after you have explained it isn’t for throwing, he learns that he cannot trust you and that food is for throwing. There will be nothing to inspire him to control the impulse in the future.

Two: He will begin eating and then throw the food again. This is a natural form of learning and testing. As soon as he throws the food follow the steps of option one and DO NOT GIVE THE FOOD BACK. Trust him and trust his ability to learn during this exchange. Be a leader so he can learn to be a leader in his own life.

It’s during meal times that children deserve more trust in knowing how much they want to eat and when they are done. Sometimes it will be a lot and other times it will be a little. It’s not our body so it should not be up to us to say what a good portion is. When the body needs fuel, it eats. Demonstrating trust in your child’s ability to tell you when they are done eating will teach them they are capable of trusting themselves.

If you seek more confidence in this area go to Solid Starts they are the best and most comprehensive learning tool for parents who want to feel more confident when it comes to what and how their baby should be eating.

“Stop trying to crawl off the changing table during diaper change”

Here is an article I wrote recently on How to have a happy & cooperative Diaper Change. It will be very helpful!

“Please please please nap in your crib.”

Mom’s Question: Does he understand what this means? Well, he has his own interpretation. Saying this to a toddler, who is tired and only wants to be with you, is like saying “Pease, please, please nap in your crib so I don’t have to be with you.” It will only inspire him to want to be with you more. Talking to him about all the reasons napping is wonderful, and how safe he is, and how excited you will be to see him after will be a more effective choice.

Naps are sacred so the ritual of a nap should also be scared. The prep for the nap is it’s another great opportunity to create a shared experience that inspires listening and cooperation through connection.

Do you currently have a nap ritual/routine? Naps should be at the same time and prepped in the same way everyday to inspire trust and consistency.

Prepare him by talking about what is going to happen and when:

“In a few minutes I will come pick you up and help you prepare for nap time.”

Tell him this about 10 minutes before nap time, every time and accompany it with a soothing nap song. (I have some recommendations). The more calm, clear, firm and loving you are with him during his nap prep, the more open he will be because the experience with you is so fulfilling.

Be consistent, firm, focused and give him your undivided attention during the nap prep. Talk to him, tell him what’s happening:

“I am going to pick you up now, are you ready? Let’s change your diaper so you feel clean and comfortable for your nap. Which sleep clothes would you like to wear today? Which book do you want to read today?” (Show him two options and let him choose, HE WILL CHOOSE.)

Lower your voice and hold him gently and lovingly during the nap prep. Change his diaper with love and care and focus. Rub lotion on his feet to inspire self care and relaxation. Keeping your voice low will send a signal to his brain and it will begin to feel relaxed and ready for sleep.

After the nap prep and when it’s time to go into the crib, speak to him about why a nap is important and remind him that he is safe:

“I am going to put you in your crib now, your crib will keep you safe while you sleep and your sleep is very important for you to feel good. It helps you learn and grow. My job is to help you. You don’t have to want to take a nap but it is time to take a nap. I will always help you, even when you don’t want to do something because I love you and that’s my job. I am excited to see you when you wake up, I love you, sleep well, I’ll see you when you wake.”

When a nap prep is full of love and care and relaxation, children look forward to it. The experience he has during that exchange will inspire trust and cooperation. He may still cry but demonstrating calm and confident leadership and consistency during nap prep will do more for his ability to be able to fall asleep. He wants you to be confident because it gives him permission to be confident.

Your presence here has made all the difference, and I am incredibly thankful for your time, attention, and engagement. Whether you stumbled upon this blog post by chance or are a dedicated follower, your support means the world to me.

With all the warmth and love in the world,

Sarah Alperin
Somatic Therapist, Child Behavior Expert, ICF PCC Somatic Coach, Founder, The Well-Being Collective